When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
