So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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