FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
