Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Never underestimate the power of titties
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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