omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Enjoy the penises
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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