just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
