Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
