She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
