um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize