at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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