Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
