I can tuck mytits in my pants
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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