I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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