Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
