I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
