we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
