Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
