you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
