My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
