Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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