By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
