My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
