At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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