things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
