Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
