Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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