hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
