She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize