she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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