I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it glows. i had to have it.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
