The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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