haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
