Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
