This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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