I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
