bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize