you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
