she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
