I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
