Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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