dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
