I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
