Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
