he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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