he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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