Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
thus making me awesome and them whores
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
