I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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