do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
and you fell through a lawn chair
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
