Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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