I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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