you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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