picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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