The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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