sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
