peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
