where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
