Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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