booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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