I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
