hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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