I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I could fuck to npr.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
