Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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