What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
