our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize