So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
