hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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